Wednesday, March 22, 2006

War on _________

I was listening to NPR the other day, and this intelligent-sounding guy with a cool accent was talking about how one can't fight a war on terror because it's an abstract concept, a method, and it cannot be a true war, like one against the Nazis during WWII. I agreed with him completely and began to wonder what other abstract concepts you could declare war on...

War on Poverty
How to Fight: Blow up all of the poor people or all the rich people, leaving the wealth relatively well distributed.

War on Hunger
How to Fight: Blow up everyone except farmers, thereby leaving a completely self-sustaining, agragarian society.

War on Driving
How to Fight: Blow up all automobiles. Blow up all drivers licenses. Blow up all suburbs because they might contain drivers.

War on Littering
How to Fight: Fingerprint all way-side garbage. Fingerprint everyone. Match up offenders and publicly crucify.

War on Drugs
How to Fight: Get really fucked up, find a gun, and have fun.
Who to Draft: This is the ideal soldier for the war on drugs.

Who to be Leader: This is the ideal leader of a war on drugs.

War on Ignorance
How to Fight: Find all people who oppose evolution. Shoot them. (n.b. The Republican party forfeits due to lack of players.)

War on Eutrophication:
How to Fight: Find all people who overuse lawn fertilizer. Shoot them, grind them up, and use them to fertilize their own lawn.

War on Television:
How to Fight: Bring a camera to any of the above and broadcast.

War on Art:
How to Fight: Blow up all museums. Blow up all people.

War on Alcoholism:
How to Fight: See prohibition.

War on Running:
How to Fight: Issue life sentences to all people caught running. Set up sting operation track teams.

War on Space:
How to Fight: Blow up the universe. Fill it with things.

War on Sugar:
How to Fight: Destroy all sugar producing plants. Blow up all sugar consumers (ie, fat kids).

War on Potential Energy:
How to Fight: Destroy everything that could possibly lead to kinetic energy, including cliffs, tables, reactive chemicals, and gravity.

War on Cheese:
How to Fight: Put C4 in all cows.

War on AIDS:
How to Fight: Find every spore; hit each one with a good burst from a flamethrower.

War on Death:
How to Fight: Live.

War on Life:
How to Fight: Die.


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