Friday, March 10, 2006

BSSystem: The Future of Tardy Policy

This is my newest article in the school newspaper. Enjoy:

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Recently, the administration instituted a politely totalitarian tardy policy. I was happy to hear that they have finally listened to my advice from last semester. After all, students don’t deserve rights.

In all honesty though, I don’t think they’re being tight enough. Tardies are unacceptable, in any form, under any circumstances, in any school. It doesn’t matter if students bleeding to death in the hallway, they should come to class on time.

I have a proposal—a stricter policy that offers no remorse to students or anyone, for that matter, in the hallway. I call it the Balapadadian Super System, named after the Greek scholar Balapada, who was known to remove limbs from tardy pupils. The Balapadadian Super System, or BSSystem for short, has three steps.

Step 1: Technological Improvement—The school needs a large technological improvement in order to administer the BSSystem properly. All classroom doors will pressure seal at the ring of the tardy bell. This door will shut so fast that any students in the doorway will be chopped in half.

These pressure doors protect students inside the classroom from the nerve gas that will be pumped into the halls immediately after the tardy bell rings. Hall sweeps will be necessary to recover the bodies of tardy students.

Step 2: Upgraded Security—All students in the hall should be moving constantly. Armed guards will ensure this happens, and any loitering will result in immediate execution, including locker use.

Step 3: New Administration—The administration, after the initial changes, will find ample robotic replacements. These replacements will have none of the potential flaws of the current administration: emotion and human sympathy. The rules will be laid down like the hand of God onto the earth, and all the school will be perfect.

The BSSystem is the best solution for this school, and, once implemented, society will reap its benefits.

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