Monday, December 19, 2005

Sir Issac Newton - The Truth

Urban legends claim that Sir Issac Newton discovered gravitation by whitnessing an apple fall, perhaps hitting him on the head, or perhaps that Issac Newton was gay. These urban legends are bullshit. I know the truth about Issac Newton; it is undeniable, and any one who doesn't believe me is going straight to hell for lying to themselves about the truth.

NB: You must understand, no woman could have understand physics. This is because men can pee on things as a form of degration.

After flunking literature at whatever college Newton went to, he decided that he hated Shakespeare because Shakespeare did not speak in English. Newton did what anybody cool would do--he pissed on Shakespeare's grave. While pissing, he saw the parabolic arc that urine makes while being expelled over a long distance.

Curious, Issac began to watch other men pee while in the bathroom. Having broken the sacred laws of the urinatory, many misunderstanding men started rumors about Issac Newton's sexual orientation. He stopped the experiments once he realized that fountains did the same thing as penises, but by then, he was too late. History called him gay.

Issac Newton began studying optics for an entirely different purpose: public pranks. Newton wanted to project porn in public places, so he began researching optics to figure out how to enlarge images on paper. His research came to no avail.

As you can see, Sir Issac Newton was far cooler than history gives credit, and he was neither gay nor a jackass, like J.P. Morgan. As told by the great bard Tom Glazer:

"Sir Issac discovered,
his genius uncovered
the nature of natural law!"


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