Wednesday, December 14, 2005

A History of Manassas: Part I

Manassas has a history as ancient as the earth itself, and as mysterious as lunchroom food.

Manassas was founded by Odysseus after the battle of Troy. In his wanderings to return to his faithful wife, Penelope, he ended up in Virginia and started a small town. He named it after what he has seen at the Battle of Troy,* man asses.

There are no records of this in the Odyssey for a few reasons. First off, Homer was blind, so he forgot to write it into the Odyssey. Second, Homer was the only person who wrote anything down about the Trojan War, so nobody else remembered what happened. Finally, Odyseus couldn't even remember founding Manassas, the Atlanteans wiped his memory before they transported him back to the Mediterranean.

After Odyseus left America, the Natives were inspired by the Greek infusion of sex into education, so they established the North American Man-Boy Love Association to continue what the Greek has taught them. NAMBLA what headquarted in Manassas till 1861 when a Civil War battle destroyed the mud/straw/log hut that NAMBLA... conducted operations in.

Before the destruction of NAMBLA's headquarters, a new dick came in down, a man by the name of Sudley or Sully or something. He started a plantation. After the Civil War, he couldn't hang onto his slaves, so he told them to go to Liberia. Of course, this was a big trick. There is a road called Liberia in Manassas, where all of the former slaves got jobs with exceedingly worse conditions than before.

A former slave named Jennie Dean started an "industrial school" in Manassas. This is where other former slaves paid (as in, gave money to the school) to make goods which the school sold to the Sears Roebuck Catalog. The school was destroyed by pirates in 1900, and all that remains is a relatively abstract memorial that uses polished granite stones to outline the former ruins of the school.

The early history of Manassas easily illustrates how retarded this town is. Part II will illustrate how retarded this town has become.

*Movie version


Anonymous Caitlin said...

WTF!LOL!AWESOME, so accurate!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005 8:07:00 PM  
Blogger The Emperor of the Moon said...

Why thank you. My research is extensive, as you can see. There is a tremendous number of citations and works cited materials.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005 9:35:00 PM  

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