Saturday, December 31, 2005

The Triumph of Emo

"Whine, whine, no one listens to me."
"Why not get executed in public? That will show them."
"I don't want to die. Whine Whine"
"Since photography doesn't exists, why don't you just have someone else do it for you instead? We all have beards, just get some guy that kinda looks like you."
"Whine... good idea."

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

RIAA pisses me off... again...

Yes, downloading music is illegal. Do I give a shit? No.

The RIAA is fighting social change. They can't win. They could push with brutal force, crush any element of music piracy today down to dust, and they still wouldn't have won.

People do what they want, and no matter how hard the RIAA fights, us music pirates will take back the internet, step by step, and eventually the RIAA will have to give up. It's only a matter of time before they, an entity, exhaust their resources.

The RIAA may have more money, but we have more people. We're numbered in the millions, and we're hiding everywhere, and they can't squash all of us no matter how hard they try and scare us. I'm not paying $15 for a CD, and I wouldn't listen to much music if I had to. I'd go to the library, check out classical, and listen to that all the time.

The RIAA cannot destroy a social movement, and, eventually, they will die. Wait, and see. It may be after I'm dead, it may be longer. The RIAA has already lost.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Protect Your Trademark From This, Bitch

On YTMND, someone posted Adobe's corrections to the use of their trademarked term "Photoshop." Their complaint was that you cannot "properly" use "photoshop" as a verb. That's bullshit. I can use photoshop as a verb if I want.

They insist that people use Adobe Photoshop as a noun, always, and that the use of photoshop as a verb is a complete violation of the rules of English. Fucking crap.

Linguistically, if a person, or group of people, understand what is being said, no matter what is said, the phrase is correct. Within a group of people, if a word is used in a common way and understood, then the use is correct.

YOU CORPRATE WHORES CAN'T STOP THE FLOW OF LANGUAGE, AND YOU CAN'T STOP THE PEOPLES. YOU CAN'T, BITCHES! I PHOTOSHOPPED SOMETHING! CORRECT THAT, ASSHOLES!

FUCK ADOBE! AHHHH TANGENT OF PROFANE WORDS!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Holiday Santa

A new fad in the politcally correct world is to celbrate "holidays." It's all Chrismahanakwanzadan, and there is no breaking of the syllables of that world to let out some sanity. For example, Secret Santa is now Secret Snowman. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Snowmen don't hand out presents, Santa does. In fact, they should have just left it as Santa; Santa has nothing to do with Christmas. He could be applied to any religion's holiday, perhaps with some minor cultural changes.

Muslim Santa
Muslim Santa has a black beard. He rides through the night in a chariot drawn by camels, screaming "Allah Akbar!" and completing a glorious Jihad by day break. At the end of his journey, he straps on C4 and flies into a skyscraper.

Jewish Santa
Jewish Santa is circumsized. He hates his job because he has to deliver one present per night over a period of twelve nights. Before he can complete his task, Muslim Santa runs into him, and he is killed.

Pagan Santa
Pagan Santa starts the night as a baby and, by the end of the night, becomes an old man and dies.

Mormon Santa
Mormon Santa has 10 wives. He never delivers presents because he loses them, instead delivering cheap immitations, such as a translated copy of the Book of Mormon, having lost the original gold tablets.

Communist Santa
Communist Santa gives all the children the same presents, then takes their parents away to labor for the collective. Hail the State!

Hindu Santa
Hindu Santa has an arm for every child on earth. He uses that arm to give them presents.

Gay Santa
The two Mr. Clauses deliver dildos and lubricants for all.

Ok, that's it, I quit. This is going to far off the comedic deep end.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Sir Issac Newton - The Truth

Urban legends claim that Sir Issac Newton discovered gravitation by whitnessing an apple fall, perhaps hitting him on the head, or perhaps that Issac Newton was gay. These urban legends are bullshit. I know the truth about Issac Newton; it is undeniable, and any one who doesn't believe me is going straight to hell for lying to themselves about the truth.

NB: You must understand, no woman could have understand physics. This is because men can pee on things as a form of degration.

After flunking literature at whatever college Newton went to, he decided that he hated Shakespeare because Shakespeare did not speak in English. Newton did what anybody cool would do--he pissed on Shakespeare's grave. While pissing, he saw the parabolic arc that urine makes while being expelled over a long distance.

Curious, Issac began to watch other men pee while in the bathroom. Having broken the sacred laws of the urinatory, many misunderstanding men started rumors about Issac Newton's sexual orientation. He stopped the experiments once he realized that fountains did the same thing as penises, but by then, he was too late. History called him gay.

Issac Newton began studying optics for an entirely different purpose: public pranks. Newton wanted to project porn in public places, so he began researching optics to figure out how to enlarge images on paper. His research came to no avail.

As you can see, Sir Issac Newton was far cooler than history gives credit, and he was neither gay nor a jackass, like J.P. Morgan. As told by the great bard Tom Glazer:

"Sir Issac discovered,
his genius uncovered
the nature of natural law!"
http://www.acme.com/jef/science_songs/

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

A History of Manassas: Part I

Manassas has a history as ancient as the earth itself, and as mysterious as lunchroom food.

Manassas was founded by Odysseus after the battle of Troy. In his wanderings to return to his faithful wife, Penelope, he ended up in Virginia and started a small town. He named it after what he has seen at the Battle of Troy,* man asses.

There are no records of this in the Odyssey for a few reasons. First off, Homer was blind, so he forgot to write it into the Odyssey. Second, Homer was the only person who wrote anything down about the Trojan War, so nobody else remembered what happened. Finally, Odyseus couldn't even remember founding Manassas, the Atlanteans wiped his memory before they transported him back to the Mediterranean.

After Odyseus left America, the Natives were inspired by the Greek infusion of sex into education, so they established the North American Man-Boy Love Association to continue what the Greek has taught them. NAMBLA what headquarted in Manassas till 1861 when a Civil War battle destroyed the mud/straw/log hut that NAMBLA... conducted operations in.

Before the destruction of NAMBLA's headquarters, a new dick came in down, a man by the name of Sudley or Sully or something. He started a plantation. After the Civil War, he couldn't hang onto his slaves, so he told them to go to Liberia. Of course, this was a big trick. There is a road called Liberia in Manassas, where all of the former slaves got jobs with exceedingly worse conditions than before.

A former slave named Jennie Dean started an "industrial school" in Manassas. This is where other former slaves paid (as in, gave money to the school) to make goods which the school sold to the Sears Roebuck Catalog. The school was destroyed by pirates in 1900, and all that remains is a relatively abstract memorial that uses polished granite stones to outline the former ruins of the school.

The early history of Manassas easily illustrates how retarded this town is. Part II will illustrate how retarded this town has become.

*Movie version

Monday, December 12, 2005

Vocabulary

The importance of vocabulary is not to learn more words--it is to learn that more words exist, and that, sometimes, a better word exists.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Manassas City Public Schools - Comprehensive Plan of Failure 2006-20012

While checking to see if the School Board morons were going to let us out of school today/tommorow, I stumbled upon the Manassas City Public Schools Comprehensive Plan 06-12 (http://www.manassas.k12.va.us/Comprehensive%20Plan%202006-2012.pdf). What I found inside was laughably impossible to achieve and naive to call realistic. The plan is awful.

Section I, School Board Objectives, sets off the stupidity. Section I is divided into three parts, and each of these parts declares that "100% of the students in Manassas City Public Schools will..." followed by something that cannot be done, such as force them to pass standardized tests. 100% of students cannot fufill any requirement because some will simply choose not to, even get 100% of our students to live and breathe. Statistically, at least 1 student must die on occasion, and he or she cannot pass standardized tests. Therefore, their goal is impossible.

Strategy 1 - ERADICATE DISPARITY
What evil rhetoric!

Strategy 2 - CELEBRATING OUR COMMON HUMANITY
I'd celebrate the school board's humanity if they let us out of school tommorow. If they don't, I'm convinced they're robots, and therefore not humans. I will smash them to pieces.

Strategy 3 - ENSURE THE HIGHEST QUALIY EMPLOYEES
This means they want to fire teachers.

Strategy 4 - ENSURE SAFE AND SECURE FACILITIES TO PROVIDE AN EFFECTIVE LEARNING ENVIRONMENT
So far, they've provided effective harbor for orgies in the auditorium. Damn good job.

Strategy 5 - ENSURE STUDENT SUCCESS
Investing in student success is like investing in Seaborgium--radioactive decay will destroy your investments in fractions of seconds.

Strategy 6 - "ENSURE VITAL AND ACTIVE PARTNERSHIPS WILL ENSURE VITAL AND ACTIVE PARTNERSHIPS"
Wow.

OMFG 215 pages of this bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111 FUCK THIS. What kind of idiot uses "ensure" in every header? These people run our schools? They don't even know how to write! MCPS school board, go blow a goat. By writing this recycling bin fodder, you make no one happy. If you blew a goat, you'd make the goat happy. Go make a goat happy. Think of the goats.
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