Monday, November 28, 2005

UVa's Big Fat Misinformation

"Edgar Alan Poe attended our institution."

Yes, he did, but then you kicked him out for gambling. Hmm... oops? Shitheads, lot of good your education did for him.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

The Plot Thickens

Our hero is consumed by the great battle, having underestimated its strength and relentlessness. He is caught off guard, and as a result, the swing of his axe is unruly and unartistic, each hack is not a precise swing of brutal force but a despirate flail for survival. The beauty of his style is lost, and with it, his strength.

His arms grow weary and his head pounds for water and air, everything's a blurry adrenaline-laiden fest of cruelty. As expected, fate rises from the chaos of battle, but the chaos he rises from makes his beckoning, oh, so worse. It is now that blows must be made... but which blows? And, even if where to strike was obvious, it wouldn't be possible to know if they were perfect hits, to know that the strikes were hard enough, until it was too late to strike again.

Will the arms of our hero collapse before he even gets a chance to strike? And when fate comes, what will the hit on it become?

A swing, a kill, a miss. Amiss. Victory has one anthem: global. The battle could be a complete triumph, but only in the future will this really be known. Even if the battle is lost, this, in itself, may lead to victory.

Fuck, I need more coffee.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

SAT Tips

  • Get stoned the night before. Even better, get stoned imemediately before.
  • Get drunk the night before. This way, you'll have a hang over and vomit during the test.
    • Just in case you don't puke, bring syrup of epitaph with you. Syrup of epitaph is a weak poison that induces vomiting. Typically, it is used to prevent digestion of toxins in an emergency. I think it will work well for preventing mental digestion of a thick test full of bullshit.
  • Smoke during the test. Your scores will improve.
  • Hum, whistle, and do anything the proctors tell you to stop.
  • Masturbate during the test.
  • Hit on a hot girl near by during the test.
  • Bring blood capsules and spit up blood during the test.
  • Sing your favourite song, or, even better, have a boom box do it for you.
  • Urinate or deficate--with your pants down. Stand up, piss on the test, and sit down and resume testing.
  • Start hammering nails into the desk you are sitting at.
  • Scream. Loudly.
  • Obtain a 0/2400 (n.b. you recieve 200 points free. To do this, you must answer every single question wrong.)

Monday, November 21, 2005

PROJECTS BUILD CHARACTER-School in the 21st Century

All students should be assigned 8 large projects over break. Teens are too lazy now-a-days, and without enough work, they have become a horrendous generation, setting up a scenario that welcomes worldwide economic collapse and a future of misery and despair. Moral decay and poor character derives from the source of all problems—children do not work enough.

In fact, I don’t think there should be breaks, or even weekends for that matter. Teachers should receive paid vacations and students should be required to go to labor camps for the weeks they currently have breaks.

School sports should be outlawed. There’s no need for students to “play” on school grounds. Dormitories should be constructed on the grounds where there are currently practice fields and parking lots so students never have to leave.

In the time that students would be practicing their little games, the school day should be extended. Students should start at 5 AM and go home at 8 PM. That may violate child labor laws, but those are the root of the problem and will soon be repealed.

Teachers work harder than kids, so they should receive raises. This raise will come from the reduction of lunch to a slice of bread and a box of protein juice. Since students will be spending their whole lives, K-12, on school grounds, they will become accustomed to this daily ration.

People think this will be harmful for children, but I feel quite the opposite. Because children will be constantly monitored, they will be comfortable with the new surveillance program of the rising police state. In addition, teen pregnancy rates will plummet and crime will diminish.

Projects over vacation are just the beginning. With the new, suppressive system, we can build a better world for all.

Fuck the College Board - To Hell

I may have asthma and a toothpick, but I can still blind the beast.

The End of the World

Outside their windows, the world will be ending, but everyone will be watching it on TV, reading it in the paper, looking at videos on the Internet.

There's women everywhere, yet men still watch porn. Man, women are evil.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Magistri/Magistrae

There's two types of teachers out there. Bitches and non-bitches.

Bitches - Bitches are "higher" than you. Their rules are hardline, flat. Everything runs on the rules, and they're higher than you and there's nothing you can do about it. They've been through grad school, and because of that, that makes them superior. They may not say this, and if you walked up and asked them they would deny it, but they consider themselves better than you. (Let me remind you, they are not better than you, they are just more credited.)

Non-Bitches - Non-bitches are awesome. You respect them not because they attempt to radiate their aura of superiority, but they treat you as an equal, so you have every reason to listen to them. They may have rules, and they stick to them. They are intelligent human beings, like you, and they understand that there are times that rules need to sway a bit. Most importantly, they care. (Let me remind you, they may treat you as an equal, but you are not equal to them. Their kindness is a privledge, and mistreating it may destroy it.)

Frequently new teachers are non-bitches, that's why everyone likes them. The test of character is in four years. When their first students graduate, the non-bitch's ability to handle their first students' departure and remain non-bitches will determine their modus operandi for the rest of their carrier.

Back to homework for a bitch.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Sprechen mit Aliens

Speaking with aliens will probably be more difficult than merely translating, like we do amongst our species. All languages on earth typically have analogous terms amongst them. We have things like "hello," "thank you," "I'm on my period," "I feel sick," etc.

Although all these phrases are said differently in different languages, they are still common ideas. Aliens may not have common ideas with us which makes translating much more difficult. Simple concepts to us, where we have a single word, would be abstract ideas. Their languages would be composed of a much greater number of "untranslatable words," something that occurs here and there in Earth languages. Typically, these words are copied between languages because trying to translate them results in a very obscure phrase.
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