Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Stoopid is as Stoopid Does

Stupid people are worse than retarded people because retarded people are too stupid to do retarded things.*

*This actually has nothing to do with poor decision making or mentally hampered individuals (since "people" is going to be politically incorrect soon**), but is actually an attempt to see if I can use the words "stupid" and "retarded" in a sentence so much that it becomes stupid and retarded.

**People refers to "the masses," which is a cruel thing to call someone, since we are all wonderful***, unique individuals.

***This was used in place of "special" because "special" is a politically correct euphenism for retarded.

Ha! The Gods!

People wonder why was Stonehenge built. People wonder why didn't the Egyptians just dump mummies in the desert.

To honors the Gods, they say. Of course. The Gods. The Gods. The Spirits. The Gods.

Stupid asses. They don't have the answer. They THINK they have the answer. They don't have the answer.

They were built because of feelings, sheer artistic understanding. Admiration of nature is a phrase that describes it, but not really. It's the need to complete something. To put something. It's not for immortality, it's not for pride, it's not for devotion to people in the sky. It's the result of a single, powerful emotion that rides in a few of us and the rest abandon it.

And it's those people who don't get it, and say it's for the Gods. Ha! The Gods!

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Stupid Voyage of Enlightenment

An ancient poet writes some crap about humans having divine powers, right?

Nunc, Toolius Maximus reads this poet and spends his whole life hunting for these mystical powers, like he'll be able to shoot lasers out of his head or something.

What he fails to realize is that the answer is obvious. All around us we communicate over thousands of miles in seconds, light massive areas without flame, kill one another from hundreds of feet away with the flick of a finger. We have super powers: these machines.

People complain about machines being disillusioning, yet the reason for this is because they have never built one themselves.

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Penis, Vagina, Anus

Rock-paper-scissors: the divine logic, a triad of cancelation.

  • Rock beats scissors because if I pound a pair of scissors with a rock, they break.
  • Scissors beats paper because scissors are designed to cut paper.
  • Paper beats rock because it can cover the rock (although that damage isn't permanent, we'll leave it at that).

To remove the personality from this scheme it goes:
A > B > C > A
There is no superpower; there is no end. The rock, paper, and scissors form a paradoxical circle that is perfect for putting the decision in a certain person's hands.

Then, the game became corrupted. Someone added dynamite.

  • Dynamite beats rock because it is capable of completely leveling rock.
  • Dynamite beats paper because, well, it does.
  • Scissors beat dynamite because they can cut the fuse.

So, dynamite is beatable, but it has an advantage. Consider this:








RockPaperScissorsDynamite
RockNSPaperRockDynamite
PaperPaperNSScissorsDynamite
ScissorsRockScissorsNSScissors
DynamiteDynamiteDynamiteScissorsNS
See? Look at the grotesque advantage dynamite has! What kind of evil cheating fuck thought of this?

But then it gets worse! Let me introduce you to rainstorm. This fuckbag cannot lose.

  • Rainstorm beats rock because rocks get worn down by water.
  • Rainstorm beats paper because the paper turns into soggy lumps of crap.
  • Rainstorm beats scissors because the scissors rust.
  • Rainstorm beats dynamite because it puts the fuse out.

Nice job asshole, you just cheated your way all the way to fucking victory. Hope you have fun with no friends, because I'm not going to be friends with a slime ball douche like you.

I know what I'll do; I'll make my own version with rock, paper, scissors, penis, anus, and vagina.



  • Rock beats penis because beating a penis with a rock hurts.
  • Penis beats paper because paper makes a nice depository for semen.
  • Scissors beats penis...
  • When a penis meets a penis, both players lose because they're gay in a homophobic society.
  • When penis meets anus, I don't know who wins.
  • Vagina beats penis because it covers the penis.

  • Rock beats vagina for the same reason as penis.
  • Vagina beats paper for about a week every month.
  • Scissors beat vagina...
  • I don't know when a vagina would ever meet an anus.
  • Vagina/vagina produces the same result as penis/penis.

  • Rock beats anus because rocks can cause physical blockage.
  • Anus beats paper because paper is used as a wiping instrument.
  • Scissors beat anus because a pair of scissors could seriously injure an anus.
  • Anus/anus... see vagina/anus.
As far as hand signs, you can make some up or just actually show the parts. In the case of the latter, hermaphrodites will have an easier time playing this game.

Have fun, and enjoy the fucked up ruin of the beautiful A < B < C < A loop of divinity.

It's like the recycling logo, now that I think of it.
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