Thursday, May 19, 2005

Rape and Redemption

One of the articles I'm publishing in the school newspaper is getting raped and misbred with another article into some kind of beast. It will have a horn on it's left ass cheek and no symetry or balance, and it will be a horrible thing to read. Here's the original article:

You look great.

You are as wrinkled as a brown bag, you don't have breasts, and you look 80 years old at age 30. But you are HOT. You are TAN.

Tanning is suicide. It is a life-long, honorable suicide. Look good and kill yourself at the same time; that's even better than buying a new car and getting free toaster with it. If you want to look great for 10 years and spend the rest of your life as a raisin, go for it, absorb ultraviolet rays and cook under the infernal sun.

I can be pretty sure life as a raisin sucks. You'll be living as the baked remnant of an organism. Not before long, tumors will start to grow out of your forehead like horns, and then you will die of cancer at age 40. Good job, sexy beast.

Since when has tan skin been attractive? It's a very recent phenomenon. For the last 7000 years, fair skin has been considered way more attractive than a “healthy tan.” Why is this? The same reason fat people were considered attractive. Both traits were rare and only the rich could afford them. Only the rich could afford to buy enough food to make them fat, and only the rich could afford to spend all day inside doing nothing, avoiding the sun at all costs.

Ironically, now-a-days, the rich can afford to burn off the fat that is so plentiful in our world. People used to starve to death, now we die from overeating. Only the rich can afford to sit around, broil their bodies, and repair them after they’ve long burned away. Only the rich can afford Botox, breast implants, and liposuction.

Botox is a funny thing too. It's actually a short form of the phrase “botulism toxin,” i.e. the poison from the bacteria botulism. Botulism toxin is so deadly that there is enough existing on earth to kill every single human on the planet a few times over. Now, your local surgeon can inject it right into your face!

Putting poison on/into your face isn’t a new thing. Roman women used to put powdered lead on their face as makeup. The lead is poisonous, but they didn't know any better, and they didn't care. They were HOT. They were FAIR.

Sure, go ahead, kill yourself, bake yourself to beauty, put poison in your face. Life is short, eh? Well, you just made it shorter, but who cares? You're HOT, as hot as a fresh PIZZA, and you look like one too.

UPDATE: The newspaper didn't just rape my article, they burned it, spread teh ashes over 100 miles, and nuked the place. There is no article against tanning in the paper, only one supporting it.

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