Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I Am Pure Evil

Sport ist mord.

Lacrosse is a violent sport. It's the only sport I can think of (excluding hockey) where it is legal to bludgeon and beat people.

Well, not according to my coach.

I poked an attacker in the back twice, on accident, and he preceded to chastise me like I had just commited murder. I mean, after all, performing an unintentional act of violence in a violent sport is one of the most absurd, vile things I can do. I deserve to be on death row for that... hitting someone in the back twice. Hitting his son in the back twice! I am so cruel.

Since I seem to be one of the poorer players on the team, then it only makes sense to let me practice less at practice. Therefore, I spend 3 hours standing around grappling my stick and beating balls with my head to keep myself busy and warm. I actually can't wait for running time because I know my toes will defrost. Hey, I mean, it's completely illogical to assume that since I'm bad I should be allowed to practice more. Today, the only time I got in was after one of my friends got injured.

You've got a whole team to raise, but don't worry, we find it completely acceptable to spend 75% of your attention on your son instead of the rest of the team. We also are happy to absorb the shit he flings at us after one of your rantings, and there's no reason we should feel a need to grind his bones into the mud.

My coach's tactics are supreme. For example, when the balls on the ground a good distance from an attacker, far enough so that you might beat him to it or at least get a chance to beat him, then you should just sit tight and watch him take his time getting the ball. After all, it's impossible to get back into position in time if my judgement is wrong.

My coach's judgement is perfect. Nothing causes it to wain, especially the fact that his son hates me. And I hate him. Well, he's gotta be the best player on the team. Jeez, what am I thinking? I'll have to kill myself now, I can't live after having said I hate the coach's perfect son.

Man, I love coach. He's the best.


Anonymous Anonymous said...


Thursday, March 17, 2005 8:53:00 PM  
Blogger The Emperor of the Moon said...

Just did. Thanks for the advice.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005 9:20:00 PM  

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