Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Our Generation

The 60's had people marching around with long hair. The 70's had disco. The 80's had MTV and shitty music. The 90's was TRL.

Old people have taken over the televisions of the past. Our generation is taking back control. We are reconquering the media by satirizing it. The internet is our media. We create it; for the first time in a long time we have control over what we present ourselves as, not the corporations. This is our time, we are the first generation in a score to create our own culture without it being broadcast to us. Let the truth be told.

Pure, Crippling, Outright Pity

I feel bad for my friends who are Christians, not because they are Christians, they can believe whatever they want, but because retards wipe shit on their religion.

OBJECTIVE: Christian Ministries has used the Bible into tissue paper and turned the poor souls who follow the words of Jesus into a laughing stock.
Wow. "Velociraptors: Today terrorize the goat herders of Puerto Rico and are rumored to guard the remains of the Ark."

"Landover Baptist claims to be a church. Moreover, they claim to be the only church in America that understands the Bible!" Landover Baptist is also commonly known as a satire. Go back to High School English and you'll learn all about sarcasm. OH, never mind, all you read is the Bible. Sometimes.
Let's twist legitmate mathematics! Making up numbers is perfect for defending your arguments. Note on Pascal's Wager: there are more possibilities than athiest or believer. Get out of your mental box. Well, no, get out of your pew and podium. That's more like it.
Wow. Let's be blatantly sterotypical. This one you just have to see to be offended.

"If you find an Atheist in your neighborhood,

You may be moved to try and witness to
these poor lost souls yourself, however

They are pure thumb tacks of satan. They will consume your soul if you get within 10 feet.

The creators of this website can kiss my "athiest" ass because, according to their divine knowledge, you're an athiest or a believer and that is final. You're with them or with the terrorists.

Note: Chris and I have concluded this page is satire. Dig around enough and you'll see why.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

The Truth About Baptism

Ever see that episode of Invader Zim where he's looking for a best friend and does an absorbtion test on each cantidate? He sticks their heads in a puddle of liquid and sees if it sucks it up.

I realized today that that's what Baptism is. They see how well you absorb liquid. I don't know what if means if you absorb more than others, but, uh, I guess it works.

I guess smelling bad in ancient times was a sin too. After all, they used to dunk your entire body under water, and people never took showers, so that meant it was the only time they got clean. Clean off your smell, your sin is gone. Awesome.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I Am Pure Evil

Sport ist mord.

Lacrosse is a violent sport. It's the only sport I can think of (excluding hockey) where it is legal to bludgeon and beat people.

Well, not according to my coach.

I poked an attacker in the back twice, on accident, and he preceded to chastise me like I had just commited murder. I mean, after all, performing an unintentional act of violence in a violent sport is one of the most absurd, vile things I can do. I deserve to be on death row for that... hitting someone in the back twice. Hitting his son in the back twice! I am so cruel.

Since I seem to be one of the poorer players on the team, then it only makes sense to let me practice less at practice. Therefore, I spend 3 hours standing around grappling my stick and beating balls with my head to keep myself busy and warm. I actually can't wait for running time because I know my toes will defrost. Hey, I mean, it's completely illogical to assume that since I'm bad I should be allowed to practice more. Today, the only time I got in was after one of my friends got injured.

You've got a whole team to raise, but don't worry, we find it completely acceptable to spend 75% of your attention on your son instead of the rest of the team. We also are happy to absorb the shit he flings at us after one of your rantings, and there's no reason we should feel a need to grind his bones into the mud.

My coach's tactics are supreme. For example, when the balls on the ground a good distance from an attacker, far enough so that you might beat him to it or at least get a chance to beat him, then you should just sit tight and watch him take his time getting the ball. After all, it's impossible to get back into position in time if my judgement is wrong.

My coach's judgement is perfect. Nothing causes it to wain, especially the fact that his son hates me. And I hate him. Well, he's gotta be the best player on the team. Jeez, what am I thinking? I'll have to kill myself now, I can't live after having said I hate the coach's perfect son.

Man, I love coach. He's the best.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Fuck AP History

This class is driving me fucking nuts.

For every fucking chapter, we have to do a 5 page 12 point font worksheet that crams as many frivilous questions about things that historians don't even give a fuck about on to one page.

How is knowing the details of what NAWSA is, let alone jamming all those details into a hand written 12 point line, going to do ANYTHING for me in life. No, really, how? It's not even going to be on the AP test! Why all this indepth crap? Who knows this stuff? Who cares?

It's not that I'm against history, but by focusing on pixels no one understands the big picture. Wasting time on stuff that will be forgotten is the most inefficent aspect of education. I don't understand the big picture of what's going on because the big picture is ignored, only the fine print. I don't remember what's going on, and it goes in one ear and out the other because information is that. It is a breeze. Only true understanding is worth the time, and that is what this watered down pseudo-college crap is.

In order to make a school system the best in the universe, as many students as possible must be regarded as "top notch." Well, how can we do that? Something standardized? Oh, I know, we'll let them in AP classes.

What! No one takes the AP classes! Well, we'll give the school a CASH INCENTIVE to get students in AP classes.

What you say! Cash money!?! OH SHITZ, WATER IT DOWN, make the AP ready for the regular student so we can get as many in there as possible! Worksheets, garble, frivle, hizzah, hizzah! Slash down those who can handle it and let the stupid triumph equally with them.

The school is making money off of you and me. That's all they care about, baby. When you sit in that plastic chair for 90 minutes a day, their cash-o-meter rings each student up for a few cents, and the cash keeps rolling.

The tardy policy? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH INSTRUCTION. A tardy student is worth a few cents less than an on time one. Why do you think they get so anal about attendence? If you're absent too much, you're not worth as much to them, you are a wilting limb, you are amputated. You had the potential to serve your purpose, but you're not worth the time.

They wanted to phase out the honors classes for that reason and put them all in AP. Yea, imagine the water down that would occur then.

An honors class is extra busy work. For the hard worker. I'm not a hard worker, I'm a genius, and I enjoy my work. If I'm not enjoying it, it's not worth my fucking time. Hard workers, go blow your way to the top, there's plenty of cocks to work hard.

I expected college level history. What I got was college for high school students level history. High school is for fucking children. Go home and piss your pants you toddler-minded slugs.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Le Tour Eiffel

This is an essay I wrote about Mark Twain a little while back. He was a cool guy. Anyway, enjoys.

The Eiffel Tower was built in 1889 out of over ten thousand tons of steel connected by 2.5 million rivets (Identity n. pag.). The structure itself, including the flagpole at its apex, is 324 meters tall and took more than two years to build (Identity n. pag.). This goliath of steel is known worldwide and is the best-known landmark of France. Every five years, the building needs to be repainted (Facts n. pag.), which is, suprisingly, the very reason for this building’s existence.

“If the Eiffel Tower were now representing the world’s age, the skin of paint on the pinnacle-knob at its summit would represent man’s share of that age; and anybody would perceive that skin was what the tower was built for. I reckon they would, I dunno…” (Twain 226). Mark Twain used this simile as a way to sum up his opinion in “I. Was the World Made for Man,” a short article in The Damned Human Race, a collection of similar articles that can be found in Letters From the Earth: Uncensored Writings. However, this statement is not meant to be taken literally. Twain did not even agree with it or even agree with the rest of his article.

A fleck of paint is approximately a millimeter thick, the Eiffel Tower is 324,000 times taller than one. The difference is so significant that the fleck of paint could be considered completely devoid of any value compared to the rest of the tower. Would the fleck of paint at the top of the tower matter, even if it was a massive dent? As shown in the image to the left, no one at the bottom of the tower would see the minor impurity; anyone flying above the tower would be too far away to notice.

Since Twain said that the paint fleck was as man is on the geologic time scale, and it turns out that a paint fleck is insignificant anyway, syllogism shows that Twain was saying that man was insignificant. This contradicts the rest of the article, though, which declares that every animal on earth evolved to serve man in someway. The Eiffel Tower statement completely flips everything he had written on end and turns it into one big sarcastic remark.

Twain hated the French with a passion. Throughout Letters from the Earth, Twain denounces the people of France. The entire article “The French and the Comanches”(Twain 191 – 197) discusses how the French consume all their resources to slaughter their brethren, something even Native Americans are too civilized to do. After insulting the entire human race in “V. The Lowest Animal,” (Twain 232 – 242) another article in The Damned Human Race, Twain remarks, “Below [man] – nothing. Nothing but the Frenchman…” (Twain 239). This is another cold blow against the people of France. This brings up another question: why would he use the symbol of France, the Eiffel Tower, to defend an argument if he himself hates the French?

Twain probably used the Eiffel Tower for two reasons. First, at the time, it was the tallest building in the world, and held that title for twenty years after his death (Gary n. pag.). A second, and likely possibility is that the Eiffel Tower was, again, another flag for sarcasm. It is not logical for someone who hates France to cite the nations greatest symbol as an example to support their point. He could have easily said the largest building in the United States at the time. It is more than likely that Twain chose the Eiffel Tower to reinforce the sarcasm of his argument.

The Eiffel Tower can represent many things: France, a specific part of the human body, or even the evolution of life on Earth. Mark Twain, however, used this famous symbol as a way to convey sarcasm through his most hated people.

Works Cited

Twain, Mark. Letters from the Earth: Uncensored Writings. Perennial Classics edition. New York: Perennial Classics, 2004.

Identity Card. 2003. 19 December 2004. .

A Few Statistics. 2003. 19 December 2004. .

Gary. Eiffel Tower Facts. 7 May 1997. 19 December 2004. .

Dept. of Engineering: Taiwan National University. Tower38The Eiffel Tower, Paris ( 301m ).jpg. 19 December 2004. .

Btw, F. Scott Fitzgerald sucks.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Reasons Why It Would Be Good for Video Games to be Real

- Random floating platforms - an engineering marvel.
- Gold Rings would be so plentiful one could use them as armor.
- Save/Checkpoints. Extra lives. Continues. Respawns.
- The good guys always win. If they don't, see the item above this.
- Anyone can take 45 bullets before going down.
- Hedgehogs would be blue. And fast.
- Theoretical physicsists can hold and use an arsenal of weapons.
- A theoretical physicist could kill a stupid guy in a helmet because he moves in slow motion and can only hold two guns (but he can hold two at once HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
- Plumbers can shrink and grow and spit fire.