Thursday, September 30, 2004

God isn't omnipotent, he's impotent

If I went around telling everyone that I loved them, and that they better bow down and worship me or I'll kick their ass, would you think I was an asshole?

Well, that's what God does, so that makes him an asshole.

He's just pissed off because he's impotent. That's why fornication is a sin, because he's pissed cuz he can't fuck people, so he tells everyone else they can't or he'll kick their ass. Last time he got a hard-on was to that Mary chick, and that was 2000 years ago. I'd be pretty pissed if I hadn't had a hard-on for 2000 years.

God threatens you with hell and promises heaven if you kiss his ass. Heaven sounds really boring. Really, it does. And I don't like bright lights either, and if that place is really white it'll hurt my eyes. The only reason people want to go to heaven is so they don't go to hell. That's really stupid. I'd rather go somewhere cool, like the Quasimoon or something along those lines. Way fucking cooler than heaven or hell.

Btw, they copied all that stuff from Greek religion anyway. Hail Eris! Drink to Bacchus! Hail Artemis!

The Androssus Theorem

Place one's self in Cycersonia.

A scientist by the name Androssus proposes the idea that manipulation of the human brain can cause irreversable changes that make the person part of a mysterious entity, and that as time passes, and more and more people recieve treatment, more people are still effected by this strange phenomenon.

It cannot be detected. The person acts completely normal. Whatever controls them does so perfectly until it is time for whatever this entity's grand scheme may be. It uses the people it has control of to take command/destroy humankind.

It is thrown out as ridiculous fantasy.

One hundred years later, it comes true.

The constructors that manipulate the brain, instead of enhancing it, copy a super-mind upon it that is within all those who recieve the treatment. They work together, already having their plans hidden in secret.

The super-mind attempts to take over the entire species by treating those who are not or killing them. In the end, the resistance against the super-mind disrupts the plans enough so the human race fails to maintain the technology to continue brain manipulation. New children do not embody the super-mind. Inevitably, it fades away.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Gun Control

After days and days of consideration, I have decided my stance on gun control, more directly, the assault rifles ban.

I addressed both sides of the argument:
AGAINST GUN CONTROL:
@The final protector of our rights: when the populace is armed, it allows for once final check against a Totalitarian government. If a Fascist regime took over, the defense would be avaliable. All revolutions required guns to be successful.

FOR GUN CONTROL:
@Criminals can access guns as long as they are avaliable. When criminals have guns, innocent people are hurt.
@Ghandi fought and won a revolution without guns. He might be dead, but nevertheless, he won. Only the stupid and violent need to run into battle screaming, guns blazing.

Hence, with the PRO side with a point and a counter-point, leaving AGAINST empty handed, I am decided that I am

FOR GUN CONTROL.

Kiss my pacifist ass.

I think it's ok to own pistols, shotguns, and hunting rifles, but assault rifles are unnecessary.

Intelligent RTS

Imagine an RTS where the sprites made more intelligent decisions. hitpoints barely exist, but other factors take their place, like how much cover they have, individual unit's morale, etc. Individual units may not fight to the death, depending on their morale, they might just surrender... or surrender to you.

Also, the final battles aren't the hardest, the turning point battle is.

The game doesn't end when you lose battles, only when you are completely destroyed.

Users can zoom in on the battleground to the point that each soldier has a different expression.

Destroyed things always leave ruins.

Outer space is a secondary battleground with realistic simulation of physics and battle.

The game is completely mod-able. Anyone can create any campaign of any kind if they so desire. They can add their own cut scenes too.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Quark Microscope

If quarks could be used as electrons are in microscopes, it would be possible to view super small particles. SUPER small. You could view electrons... maybe. Probally not because they move at the speed of light, but you know what I mean.

Sting Operations

Theoretically, the government cannot arrest people who fall for a sting operation. This is because the governement aquiesces the purchase of the drugs/etc and engages in it, therefore allowing it to take place.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Freedom of Speech

Freedom of speech is restrained not because it should be, but because people are too stupid for true, free speech. If I yell fire in a theater, people will panic and try and escape, yet completely ignore their senses. It doesn't feel like fire, doesn't smell like it, you can't exactly taste it, but I don't think you could either, you do not hear the crackle of fire, and, for christ's sake, you can't see it. If someone yelled fire in a theater, and people looked around, they would see no fire and go back to sleep because there are no good movies out right now.

People don't use their senses. They hear stuff, and do not process it, simply absorb it. Good job, morons, you've been brainwashed, offically :-).

Saturday, September 25, 2004

IMPERIAL DECREE: #000003

ALL HAIL: IMPERATOR LUNAE
Pope Dan Simonson, Emperor of the Moon, KSC delivers a decree to the world and Mother Artemis and Great Goddess ERIS
DECREE NUMBER: #000003
---
Pope Dan Simonson, Emperor of the Moon, KSC hereby declares the OFFICAL LANGUAGES OF THE MOON.

These are listed:
Priminary Language: Latina
Secondary Langauge: English
Trinary Langauge: Deustch
Quadinaryth Langauge: Ellenik
Pentogramic Language: Japanese

This is the officale numbering system as well.

This stuff is offical.
---
THIS ENDS THE DECREE. ALL HAIL (maybe) THE EMPEROR OF THE MOON, POPE DAN SIMONSON, KSC. HAIL GREAT GODDESS ERIS! HAIL MOTHER ARTEMIS!

Thursday, September 23, 2004

WTF? Math'd!

0^0 = 1
This is true. Wtf? Does this define creation?

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

IMPERIAL DECREE: #000002

ALL HAIL: IMPERATOR LUNAE
Pope Dan Simonson, Emperor of the Moon, KSC delivers a decree to the world and Mother Artemis and Great Goddess ERIS
DECREE NUMBER: #000002
---
Pope Dan Simonson, Emperor of the Moon, KSC declares that the "lunar republic" holds no authority or power over the moon, unless however those members of the "lunar republic" agree to become the "suggestive council."

This decree is permanent.

He thought he had something else to say, but not really.
---
THIS ENDS THE DECREE. ALL HAIL (maybe) THE EMPEROR OF THE MOON, POPE DAN SIMONSON, KSC. HAIL GREAT GODDESS ERIS! HAIL MOTHER ARTEMIS!

War on Terrorism = Bullshit

You can't fight a war against terrorism.

That's like declaring war against rats. Rats are everywhere, they're humans best parasite. They go around, spread disease, and eat all the grain supplies. People use chemicals, shovels, and their own bare hands to kill rats. So far rats haven't been exterminated.

You can exterminate all terrorists either. Even in ye olden days of ye the Bible, terrorists existed, fighting with gurrella tactics and commiting evil acts.

Terrorists can be best fought in what I call the "tree maintenance" method. The "tree maintenance" method is similar to taking care of a tree or plant, and it should work awesomely. It's only two easy steps too, good for anyone who is up to it!

First, cut off the dead branches. Assemble some elite squads of soldiers to take out those terrorist factions that exist. These are small squads that jump in by helecopter and kill the terrorists that are present. Sending in the army is stupid (to be elaborated on later).

Second, you fertilize the tree. Give the tree nutrients and water, it will grow and become glorious. This is the same idea; give a nation food and medical supples, it will grow into a grand and glorious nation with happy people who love you and would never in their right mind want to become terrorists.

If you send armies in to kill terrorists, your using rocket launchers to kill mice. That's stupid. In the process, you destroy the house your cleaning out to the point that there was no point in cleaning it at all.

Maybe they want to destroy the house.
Maybe they want to leave the nations in the pour.

Otherwise, would we still be on top?

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

What is Dead

Look at a large crater on Mars. One of those would have devastated Earth. However, Mars was not. Why? Because on Mars, there is nothing for the meteor to destroy. You can't kill what is already dead.

Monday, September 20, 2004

Wanna fuck with saran wrap and plastic bags on your prick?

Make birth control illegal. Real smart move, dickheads.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

IMPERIAL DECREE: #000001

ALL HAIL: IMPERATOR LUNAE
Pope Dan Simonson, Emperor of the Moon, KSC delivers a decree to the world and Mother Artemis and Great Goddess ERIS
DECREE NUMBER: #000001
---
Pope Dan Simonson, Emperor of the Moon, KSC declares that all deeds concerning territory on the moon are void unless verified by he, Emperor of the Moon. She, Emperess of the Moon, might be able to verify them. We'll have to see.

THIS INCLUDES ANY CORPORATION, COMPANY, BUSINESS, NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION, INDIVIDUAL, OR MAMMAL.

The Emperor of the Moon requires that those selling them w/o authorization are required to recieve authorization from the Emperor of the Moon, or they are void. There are no exceptions to this rule. Those who don't recieve authorization will be immediately killed if they set foot onto lunar territory. Those holding an unauthorized deed will be fined, the "deed" burned, and they will be returned to Earth.

The following are unauthorized dealers of sacred territory:
http://www.lunarregistry.com/?source=gmoon
http://www.moonshop.com/
http://www.lunarestates.com/
Unless authorized by the Emperor of the Moon, no sales or sacred territory are authorized by these websites.

This is may be interpreted however the Emperor wishes. This includes additions and changes without notice. This dispatch will be e-mailed to those appropriate.
---
THIS ENDS THE DECREE. ALL HAIL (maybe) THE EMPEROR OF THE MOON, POPE DAN SIMONSON, KSC. HAIL GREAT GODDESS ERIS! HAIL MOTHER ARTEMIS!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Super-High Resolution

A computer monitor that uses a lens/lenses to shink down a computer monitors pixels so that they are not visible. This creates a smoother display.

Monday, September 13, 2004

English is Bullshit

Analyzing literature is like studying television. Most of it wasn't meant to be studied, it was meant to be enjoyed by readers. Anyone who wanted their shit to be studied should get their ass kicked for being an ego driven asshole.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Ultimate Storage Device

It stores information in another demension. Flawless.

Hey, kids!

A man is standing in a room next to another man in a nice clean suit with a shotgun.

"See this kids, that is your brain." The man in the suit points at the innocent looking man's head. "This is your brain on drugs."

The man in the suit puts the shotgun to the innocent looking man's head and pulls the trigger. A bang occurs and the innocent man's head lay in ruins about the floor.

The World is Changed...

Exactly three years ago, a massive event took place that was the first pimple of the face of another puberty within our society. A major hallmark of our world was destroyed by complete surprise, but for years that event had been assimilating together. On the inside, the changes were already taking place.

Domestic production inside the United States is not what it once was. There really isn't much domestic production. So what does the United States produce?

Green pieces of paper that are worth nothing but valued as gold. What are these green pieces of paper? They are pieces of security, a sheet of paper that tells the reciever that America will be there when their government is attacked.

If America can't defend itself, who can America defend? Doesn't it make the green paper worthless?

With worthless currency, the economy collapses.

This is only the beginning of the change awaiting us. Remember, in 1929 the economy collapsed but money still had value. This time around, money has no value at all.

Thingeringer

The Principia Discordia

SO, one day I was sitting and about to go take a dump and I wondered, "Following order seems to have gotten us pretty far. Why follow disorder if order's done a good job so far?"

Then I realized that we have failed spiritually, and then I wondered if thy wondering was just thy wondering about spirits and stuff like so many other poor bums, and Eris responded, "YES."

Then I studied a blob of white stuff on the bathroom counter and turned my t-shirt right-side-out.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Compy 386!!

Compy 386!!

In that e-mail, when Bubs keeps trying to cut the record, they might be making fun of the record industry pestering them or something. Who knows.

Lovey Phrase

We have our own little secrets
and our own little lies
that we tell the rest of the world

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Children

Generally, people under estimate children's intelligence. Young children can be very smart. Young children are simply naive, and people confuse that with intelligence. A four year old may not know something, but that doesn't make him/her unable to learn it.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Rich Bitches

Rich people never get drafted.

Bitches. Eat my excremented bile.

Monday, September 06, 2004

A Puzzle

Master guy hands wannabe apprentice a bb gun and says, "Shoot the can." The apprentice shoots with deadly accuracy and the can remains invicible.

How?

Trick: There is a mirror reflecting a matching image of the can. Not only that, but the master never said you couldn't get closer to the target. Therefore, the awesome apprentice succeeds.

A Plot

An alien race exists on a planet that is in the path of human settlement. The humans warn the aliens and launch them into exhile. The star they live on is hurtled out of the galaxy at near subspace speeds towards the furthest ends of the universe.

Fast forward 3 gazillion years.

The mother star is dying, and the alien race will soon fail to exist. Their planet is approaching a galaxy, and their one chance for survival is to colonize it.

Conflict? The humans are there. For a bonus? The aliens remember who exhiled them. It's payback time.

The Rhythm of the Universe

Life is full of certain rhythms that blend together to form our days and weeks and years, in the end music that creates an overture of our lifetime. Our heart beat, breathing rate, the steps we take, the motions of sex, the motion of our fingers as we type all allude to a higher rhythm that we have difficulty comprehending, the order that we call disorder.

This is what religion is about, and what Discordianism has realized. Religion is unveiling disorder, and every religion to this point has attempted to reveal disorder and explain it with order.

Chaos becomes order on a grand enough scheme. It's the order we don't want because it disrupts the order we create. It steps on our heads and says, "You are not the sole enheriters of the universe. You cannot control everything that exists."

Discordianist Religous Icons

A Discordianist fighter pilot wears a necklace bearing the Sacred Chao under his fighter pilot uniform. Before going into a dogfight, he kisses the Sacred Chao.

In one dogfight, the enemy shoots him while kissing the Sacred Chao and he dies.

Taking A Breath

For the 'Autobiography:'

Life was looking good at this point. I had mental peace; I was re-energized. I was ready to kick this upcoming year's ass and I knew it.

I could see the storm coming. It was like the thunderstorm on the boat. I could see it coming, but there really wasn't anything to do. This time, I don't have any accomplaces. I'm alone. Whether or not those clouds will break up is a complete mystery, but I am prepared for the worst.

I felt sort of dizzy; I was on a caffinee buzz. I didn't know how to work a coffee pot and we didn't have soda so I had one resort, choclate chips.

They were working. I did 100 crunches for no reason. I wanted some milk; I was thirsty.

Milk and protein drink powder. Once Chris had suggested that mix. Builds muscles, gives tons of energy. Now, I was gonna see if I could try that shit out. I was gonna be one crazy ass mofo.

Crazy ass.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Confession

A good line:
"You know what a confession is? It's the lie you're looking for."

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Heathens

The following companies are heathens for using adware to put pop-ups on my fucking computer:

AOL
ING Direct
Match.com
Tickle.com
University of Phoenix
Video Professor (I hate that guy anyway)

This list is growing...
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